


An Exchange of Angels

by Shaykippers



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Car Accidents, Character Death, Depression, Dissociation, Flashbacks, Guardian Angels, HabiPrayerCircle4Gold, KillYuzu4Gold, Love Confessions, M/M, Overdosing, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, i hate myself for writing this, yuzuvier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-10-15 08:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17525636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shaykippers/pseuds/Shaykippers
Summary: They were just supposed to go out for lunch together. It was supposed to be a leisurely and friendly outing. How had he wound up dying in the arms of his training mate?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm so sorry for writing this, but it was written to bring Javier luck at Europeans! He better win gold for putting me through writing this honestly lol. This is my first time actually writing dialogue of any kind that I'm not horribly embarrassed by, so hopefully it's somewhat decent. Thank you to K1mHeechu1 for helping me edit this, and also for encouraging me to write in the first place. I hope you can somehow enjoy reading this!

They were just supposed to go out for lunch together. It was supposed to be a leisurely and friendly outing. How had he wound up dying in the arms of his training mate? He guessed his happy go lucky demeanor had finally caught up with him. Poor Yuzuru, he was always so pretty when he cried, but when he cried, you felt compelled to cry with him. Surely this was a nightmare and he would wake up, right?  
~~~~~  
It was a nice day, and Javier wanted to go do something, so he invited Yuzuru to get lunch with him. They were going to the closest Japanese restaurant to the TCC because Yuzuru managed to convince him to, or at least that was the plan. Javier got distracted by things along the way, although that wasn’t necessarily unusual for the Spaniard in question. Yuzuru tried to keep him on track, but it was a fruitless effort.  
“Habi need to stop looking in windows and walk! They close if we not get there soon!” If looks could kill, Javier would be dead as Yuzuru said this.  
Javier took what he believed to be the safest path and just went along with it. He really didn’t want Yuzu to kill him today, as it would really ruin the wonderful outing they were having. Although having a friend murder you is never optimal.  
“Okay! Okay! We’ll keep going!” This response seemed to appease his friend, and they continued on their way.  
After that, Javier was a bit more focused, or at least he thought he was. The two of them made small talk on the way there, drifting from the weather, to their hometowns, to world peace and how to achieve it. The conversations didn’t mean much in the grand scheme of their friendship, but seemingly small conversations over the years had gotten them to where they were. Maybe this conversation did add to their understanding of each other.  
Unfortunately, this small talk distracted Javier. He started to make his way through a crosswalk, but he only made it halfway through before someone swerved around the corner. He remembered hearing Yuzu scream right before he felt a force push him and a pain blossom in his side. His vision blurred and he heard more screaming and someone calling for help.  
Yuzuru leaned down to him and cradled Javier’s broken body. Was Yuzu crying? Or were his own tears making him see things? He wasn’t sure of much at that point. One thing he was sure of was that he wouldn’t make it. Yuzu could probably guess this too, although he would refuse to believe it. One minute they were talking, the next minute one of them was dying. What an example of the roller-coaster of life.  
“Habi! Stay with me, please… I-,” Yuzu choked out a sob, “I can’t do it without you! I can’t do life without you!”  
“Yuzu… Cariño… You said you couldn’t do it without me when we were at the Olympics, but look at you, you’re thriving. I’m sorry things had to play out this way, but at least we got to properly say goodbye- “  
“NO! HABI LEAVE ME ONCE, I WON’T LET YOU DO AGAIN!” Yuzuru was blinded by emotion, and it was obvious to the few people around them. “I won’t let you die without knowing I love you…”  
With that, he leaned down and kissed Javier’s forehead gently, his soft lips brushing against the skin of his love’s face. Javi was surprised, he never thought Yuzu felt that way. He was angry that he was only able to know this on his deathbed. He was feeling so many emotions at once, and didn’t know what to do with them. All he knew was that he wouldn’t have much of anything to do with them soon. He wanted so badly to reach out and caress the face of the angel holding him, but he could tell he was starting to fade.  
“Yuzu, I’m so sorry I never told you I felt the same. I should have a long time ago, but I was afraid. I have nothing to lose now, but I’m sorry it took this to finally express my feelings. Please forgive me.” Against pain and better judgement, Javier did reach up and stroke his angel’s cheek. “I’m grateful that I got to have you here with me at the end.”  
With that said, he gave in. Everything was over. He could see Yuzuru screaming and crying at the realization he was gone, as the emergency vehicles finally arrived. He watched as they pried his distraught lover away from him. Javier wanted to reach out and cradle his sweetheart they way Yuzuru had done for him, but he would never be able to. Now he was glad he had reached out to touch him one last time.  
Javier decided he would return the favor of comfort in whatever way he could. He would watch over his love in death and try to protect him from harm. He wouldn’t always be able to, but anything he could do helped to ease his mind. He was hopeful that Yuzu could sense his presence, but he was never sure. Eventually the ultimate irony of the situation hit him: the tables had turned, and now he was Yuzuru’s angel in death, while Yuzuru had been his in life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Javier died, Yuzuru felt numb to pretty much everything. It was like the color had been erased from his world. Sometimes he wouldn’t even bother getting out of bed, as he knew it would only result in tears or flashbacks. He tried to be around the people he loved, but with the way he felt, their condolences would only hurt him more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we switch to Yuzuru's POV. This story is just going to get worse from here, so I apologize. Thanks to K1mHeechu1 for being a wonderful editor and cheering me on! Here you go, and although it's short, I hope you enjoy!

After Javier died, Yuzuru felt numb to pretty much everything. It was like the color had been erased from his world. Sometimes he wouldn’t even bother getting out of bed, as he knew it would only result in tears or flashbacks. He tried to be around the people he loved, but with the way he felt, their condolences would only hurt him more.  
His mother and Brian had decided he should see a therapist to try and help him stabilize through the grief. Yuzuru thought it was stupid, but he knew they were trying and it would hurt them if he didn’t go. The only things that came out of it were lies about his mental state and names to the things he found himself feeling.  
Depression was one of them, although anyone with a brain could tell him that. Situational anxiety was another thing his therapist mentioned. Another no-brainer, how was he expected to cross the street without flashbacks after what happened? Why was a professional hired to tell him things he already knew?  
Dissociation, however, was the last thing brought to his attention. Finally he could put a name to the problem that affected him most. Technically it was a product of the depression, but it was the biggest problem. It was hard to want to live when he couldn't even feel real. Yuzuru decided that the only good thing that came from therapy was the help he received coping with the dissociation.  
Yuzuru had become pretty scatterbrained since the accident, as if his mind had gotten stuck in the past. He wasn’t sure how he had gotten by, but he had. It was like he could hear a voice reminding him of little things that could prove to be significant.  
“It’s getting late,” the voice pointed out, “you should eat and get some sleep.”  
Most people would just brush it off as his own thoughts, but he knew they weren’t. He knew that voice from somewhere, but it felt like a foggy memory at best. He knew better than to mention it to anyone though, as he didn’t want to concern people more than he already had.  
Eventually Brian agreed to let Yuzuru resume training. It was wonderful in some ways, but hellish in others. The looks of pity and constant whispers about what happened got under his skin, but he couldn’t let it show. He wouldn’t let it show, and that was that.  
Training wasn't going so well, his skating, not unlike his mental state, was deteriorating. The painful reminders that Javier wasn’t there anymore didn't help. He couldn’t hold spins as long as he should’ve been able to, his jumps weren’t clean, and he couldn’t get into the choreo like he usually did.  
However, weird stuff started happening, both at the rink and at home. Yuzuru would find things in his bag that he was sure he didn’t put there, like extra snacks. Occasionally he would forget to bring things and halfway through practice he would just find them in odd places. He just wrote it off as his recent forgetfulness, but he wasn’t entirely sure.  
As these odd occurrences continued, the voice kept popping up in his mind. It kept getting more and more defined, but he still couldn’t place it. Over the course of his life, he had heard a great deal of different voices. This one seemed completely foreign to him, but also incredibly familiar.  
It was almost as if someone was watching over him and keeping him out of trouble. Or at least trying to keep him out of trouble. It seemed to some that Yuzuru and trouble were synonymous, although he had mellowed a lot since the accident. Death has a way of changing even the most stubborn and driven people, and Yuzuru, as it seemed, was no exception to that rule.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzuru made up his mind as he walked to the bathroom, this was it.   
>  He couldn’t take it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance, you may need some tissues. This is the final chapter before I upload the alternate ending, which should be up before worlds. Thank you to K1mHeechu1 again for being the best motivator and editor I could ask for, and also to Cressy for putting up with me complaining about this fic. I would also like to say thank you to everyone who has read this and supported me in writing it. Hopefully you can enjoy this!

Yuzuru made up his mind as he walked to the bathroom, this was it.   
He couldn’t take it anymore.  
Between people’s sympathetic glances, the night terrors, flashbacks, and even seeing and hearing things that weren’t there, he felt like he was losing his mind. The worst thing was that the dissociation was only getting worse, and no amount of therapy seemed to help make it better. His mental state had gotten so bad that he had trouble telling what was real, and what was his imagination. He couldn’t think coherently, and it was impacting his skating. He couldn’t land any jump harder than a single axel; it was almost like he was learning to skate all over again.  
He had already written his note, with the goodbye’s and I’m sorry’s that most notes of that nature entailed. Knowing how it would impact others was almost enough to make him back out, but he was determined. He felt so selfish for daring to want this like he did, even if he was the only one who knew in that moment.  
Yuzuru figured that for once in his life, especially after achieving all that he had, he could be selfish.  
All he wanted in that moment was to end the suffering that his daily life had become. Being in a constant state of panic was never ideal, but it was especially bad given the rest of his situation. He just wanted to escape and leave his legacy behind, albeit with a tragic ending. He had achieved almost everything he had wanted to in his career, so he would leave with few regrets, aside from the fact that he couldn't conquer the quad axel.  
He opened the bathroom door with shaky hands, his body betraying the small doubt lingering at the back of his mind. Yuzuru had decided he was going to see this through, however. His hands continued to shake, although less this time, as he opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills that had been prescribed to him. He looked to see what else he had in the cabinet, and proceeded to grab the pills that had been given to him to help with his night terrors.  
"This is a bad idea, querido," there was that damn voice again, "You really don't want to do this."  
"Stupid voice, stop it. I am adult, I make my own choices."  
Yuzuru was in no mood to consider other options, and he was sick of the voice haunting him.  
He grabbed a glass of water and started downing pill after pill from both bottles. Eventually he decided he had taken enough and sat down in the corner, not wanting to make noise that would alert anyone. He made sure to do it while his mother was away, but he didn't want to disturb anyone else in the apartment building.  
Yuzuru snuggled Pooh-san closely, having brought him to help him through his last struggle. He figured he owed it to his trusty tissue box cover to see him on his way, as he had supported him through all the other trials he had faced throughout his career.  
He felt himself growing drowsy, his mind starting to feel foggy.  
Yuzuru noticed something strange out of the corner of his eye; something was emerging from the mirror. The thing fell rather unceremoniously and groaned loudly, cursing in... Spanish? As the person got up, he noticed they had small but beautiful wings. Once the person had stood up and brushed themselves off, Yuzuru got a good look at them. The moment they made eye contact he realized who it was and started to cry.  
It was Javier, standing in front of him in all his winged glory.  
"I wasn't supposed to do this Yuzu, but I can't let you do this to yourself." Javier spoke softly, kneeling in front of him and looking him in the eye. "I sent your mother a vision to get her attention, hopefully she takes it seriously and hurries home to help."  
"Habi, this is what I want, why you not let me do what I want?" Yuzuru was trying to hold in the tears by this point, and failing miserably.  
"Yuzuru, it's not your time, you aren't meant to die for a long time. I know life is difficult at best right now, but you have to live." Javier stroked Yuzuru's face, wiping away tears as they fell from his eyes. "We'll meet again soon enough."  
They sat and talked about life and why it was worth living until Yuzuru's mother got home. Javier continued to watch over Yuzuru, who lost consciousness shortly after his mother led the paramedics to him. While he was unconscious, Javier continued to talk to him, giving him words of reassurance.  
When he finally woke up, he was faced with the reality that he could have died, and that he had a guardian angel who talked him through it. He had time to think about life, and rethink some of his choices and goals. This was going to be difficult to bounce back from, but he knew he could do it and live life to the fullest. He also now knew that Javier would be waiting for him when it did happen to be his time to go.  
Javier had his back and would watch out for him until he wasn't there to be watched anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was sad really, the reality of what was happening. 'Yuzuru Hanyu, a skating legend with a tragic final act.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the alternate ending to An Exchange of Angels, as well as my contribution for Kill Yuzu 4 Gold going into worlds. Thank you to K1mHeechu1 and Cressy for helping me make this decent. I'm happy to say this is the final thing that I will add to this fic, but I plan to try and make good fics in the future. I hope you can enjoy this somehow, and thank you to everyone who decided to follow this from the start and everyone who supported me in writing this!

Yuzuru made up his mind as he walked to the bathroom, this was it.  
He couldn’t take it anymore.  
Between people’s sympathetic glances, the night terrors, flashbacks, and even seeing and hearing things that weren’t there, he felt like he was losing his mind. The worst thing was that the dissociation was only getting worse, and no amount of therapy seemed to help make it better. His mental state had gotten so bad that he had trouble telling what was real, and what was his imagination. He couldn’t think coherently, and it was impacting his skating. He couldn’t land any jump harder than a single axel; it was almost like he was learning to skate all over again.  
He had already written his note, with the goodbye’s and I’m sorry’s that most notes of that nature entailed. Knowing how it would impact others was almost enough to make him back out, but he was determined. He felt so selfish for daring to want this like he did, even if he was the only one who knew in that moment.  
Yuzuru figured that for once in his life, especially after achieving all that he had, he could be selfish.  
All he wanted in that moment was to end the suffering that his daily life had become. Being in a constant state of panic was never ideal, but it was especially bad given the rest of his situation. He just wanted to escape and leave his legacy behind, albeit with a tragic ending. He had achieved almost everything he had wanted to in his career, so he would leave with few regrets, aside from the fact that he couldn't conquer the quad axel.  
He opened the bathroom door with shaky hands, his body betraying the small doubt lingering at the back of his mind. Yuzuru had decided he was going to see this through, however. His hands continued to shake, although less this time, as he opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills that had been prescribed to him. He looked to see what else he had in the cabinet, and proceeded to grab the pills that had been given to him to help with his night terrors.  
"This is a bad idea, querido," there was that voice, the very voice that had contributed so heavily to his current decision, "You really don't want to do this."  
"Stupid voice, stop it. I am adult, I make my own choices."  
Yuzuru was in no mood to consider other options, and he was sick of the voice haunting him. He was scared of who he could turn into if he kept himself alive; he could practically see himself straying towards the path of insanity every day. He was angry that the fates were taunting him with this unknown but oh so familiar voice, and with the knowledge that he could have done something more to help Javier. So in reality he was angry with himself over things that were said and done, things that couldn't be changed. So he supposed this was how he was exacting his revenge in a sense, by taking the life of the very person that could have acted more to save his love.  
Himself.  
"Yuzuru, you know there wasn't anything you could do. Don't let something you couldn't stop drive you to such an extreme!"  
"Wrong, whoever says this is wrong. I could do something but no, I sit and cry over friend instead." He was nearly ready to cry as he said this.  
."Even if you were able to do something, which you weren't," they were getting a bit snarky now, "is it really worth killing yourself over?"  
Yuzuru was livid at whoever this voice thought they were.  
"Now you try to make my feelings and reasons not enough? Really?"  
Here the voice started to calm and try to reason with him more than argue; "What about the people you would leave behind, don't you care about how it will effect them? What if those people do what you’re doing because they feel like they should’ve been able to save you? Do you really want to perpetuate your pain like that?"  
"Other people are stronger and not so selfish. I never let myself do selfish thing, but I think I can now. I earn it after all the hard work I do." Yuzuru was not going to back down, he was notoriously stubborn, and there was a reason people saw him that way.  
"Please don't do this, I would give anything to be able to stop you, but I can't. Don't make me feel how you do."  
"I wish I could be nice, but there is no choice, I must do this."  
Yuzuru was done arguing over something that wouldn't change. He grabbed a glass of water and started downing pill after pill from both bottles. Eventually he decided he had taken enough and sat down in the corner, not wanting to make noise that would alert anyone. He made sure to do it while his mother was away, but he didn't want to disturb anyone else in the apartment building. It was sad really, the reality of what was happening. 'Yuzuru Hanyu, a skating legend with a tragic final act.' He could already see the headlines, although it really just made him feel more self-centered.  
"Those headlines don't have to exist, just call yourself an ambulance and get some help."  
"No, I do what I want. Go away." Yuzuru was really annoyed by the stubbornness of this voice.  
Yuzuru snuggled Pooh-san closely, having brought him to help him through his last struggle. Pooh had been there for him through everything, and had given him so much hope during times where he could see little to none. Pooh had been his personal mascot for so long, and been such a source of positivity. He figured he owed it to his trusty tissue box cover to see him on his way, as he had supported him through all the other trials he had faced throughout his career. Although he did feel sorry to have to drag Pooh-san into it, especially since it would ruin the character for many fans if word got out he had it with him when he killed himself.  
"You still have time to call that ambulance," they were really trying to convince him not to go through with this, "you don't have to ruin Pooh for people."  
"Can you not, I want to die in peace, not with nagging."  
He felt himself growing drowsy, his mind starting to feel foggy.  
Realizing the end was closer than before, he figured it was time to get his final goodbye out of the way. In a way, this was the hardest, despite the receiving end being a plush of a fictional character. It was odd how human emotions worked, he realized, they were irrational and made little sense at the best of times. The irony of the timing of this realization didn't escape him, as he hadn't quite slipped all they way into delirium yet.  
"Come on Yuzuru, please? You are having a hard time with this, please back out."  
The voice went ignored, as Yuzuru was really done with arguing.  
"Goodbye Pooh-San, thank you for supporting me, and please take care of my family, I'm afraid of how they'll take this." Yuzuru confessed tearily to his beloved bear, knowing he would understand.  
"Goodbye Yuzu, it was a pleasure to be by your side through it all. I promise to take care of the family when you are gone." Pooh spoke softly, like he was afraid to scare Yuzuru despite the fact he was going to die and knew it.  
Things started to blacken at the edges of his vision, and he knew it wasn't long until he got what he wanted. He said a small prayer to find his way when it was over, but he didn't regret his choice. Everything he had done was in the pursuit of his happiness, and in hopes of ending his life and career on a higher note than he could have otherwise foreseen. Eventually the darkness consumed his vision completely, and he lost consciousness. The end was nigh, and he was more than ready to embrace the shadows, and the peace they brought.  
When his time came, he heard the voice that had haunted him the past few months actually beckon him. This time when he heard it, he finally realized who the voice belonged to. He started to cry tears of joy and launched himself at the man in front of him.  
"HABI!" Yuzu screamed, "Habi I so happy to see you! Don't leave me again... please."  
"Yuzu, I never wanted to leave you in the first place. But as happy as I am to see you, why did you do that? You had so much to live for, I tried to convince you! Why didn't you let me talk you down?" The disappointment in Javier's voice was clearly evident as he held the fragile soul in front of him.  
Yuzuru meant to answer, but he was cut off by a shrill scream. He didn't want to see what he knew was unfolding, but it was his punishment for taking the only way out he could see. His mother had come home and found him, Pooh-san in hand, curled up on the bathroom floor of their apartment with pills scattered across the floor. This was a mother’s worst nightmare, and it was unfair that his mother had to go through it. He saw her cradling his body in much the same way he had Javier's only a few months before. However, it was done, he couldn't change it, and he didn't think he would if he had the power to do so.  
He could only hope to watch over her in death the way she had watched over him in life.


End file.
